Eyes.
Curtains.
Breathing, stabbing, shallow.
Over a month ago, I left home and didn't go back.
Our marriage had been slowly declining for a matter of months. There were some big issues that neither of us could get past. We just couldn't do it. The pieces of our lives that made the marriage good, solid, and workable, were falling like leaves off the trees. Slowly, quietly, but ever faster, until there was nothing left.
We tried. Goddammit we tried.
When I first moved back in December of 2012, I was so hopeful that we were going to make it work. THIS was going to be the best marriage on the planet. And for awhile, it was. We communicated, we listened to each other and respected each other. We went on date nights. Mo completely stopped playing video games. I lessened the amount of outside activities and stayed home with the family more. Christmas that year was amazing, I would even venture to say it was magical. It was to be the beginning of our new amazing life together.
Over the next year, I got a car with Mo's help, and I got a job. I started working full time and felt like I was finally contributing to the household. Four years of raising Rowan at home and I never felt like I was an equal contributor. Part of that was due to Mo's constant criticism of my work. The house was never really clean enough, I napped too much (with a newborn), I wasn't great at cooking. All of these shortcomings really drove my self worth down the drain, and made me feel like I needed to do more to make things equal. My answer to that was a full time job, and hopefully I could finally get approval from the man I loved.
As 2013 drew to a close, I started feeling those same feelings of foreboding. Mo was gaming more, I was leaving the house more. We were fighting more, talking less. Tiny nitpicking arguments turned into all out fights, with neither of us wanting to hear the other's perspective. Entire days of silent treatments would ensue, and ultimately one of us would break, start talking, and we would act as if nothing had happened. I was still failing to meet his expectations around the house, and I was working just as hard at it as I was before, but now also working full time during the day. It had been a year since I had come back, and he was no closer to trusting me outside of the house. Any time I left to see friends, or go to derby practice, I was riddled with anxiety, thinking he was at home wondering what I was *really* doing. I texted him constantly, in hopes to ease his mind and also to ease my own worries that he was mad at me. I had to frequently turn down invitations to social activities by my friends and derby league because I knew he wouldn't want me to go and I didn't want to anger him by going anyway. He wanted me home, every night, spending time with the family. Any time outside the house was stressful for me. He never physically banned me from going anywhere, or forbade it, but I could always expect a fight when I got home.
After the New Year, things really started sliding downhill quickly. My depression had come back, I was having trouble with my derby league, I was attempting to start a new business, and I started having neurological issues similar to MS that I was in and out of the doctor's office for. I was stressed, sad, angry, overwhelmed, and helpless. Not to mention, I was having some pretty severe doubts about my relationship. I didn't think we were getting it. We both seemed miserable and unfulfilled. I was walking on those proverbial eggshells again, afraid to talk to him about the negative energy I felt radiating from his body. I constantly wondered how he was feeling, because he was hiding his emotions again.We halfheartedly tried to go out together but usually just ended up fighting on the way home. Mo felt as though I had lost interest in the relationship, I felt like he had just given up trying. I think we were both right.
One Friday evening in April, a week before Easter, we had a huge blowout fight and Mo spent the night on the couch. As I lay there, curled up in a ball and crying, I made the decision to leave for the weekend. I knew that a couple of days away would clear my head and I would be able to know for sure if this time, I needed to leave for good.
That Sunday, I got my answer.
After a furious and ugly text conversation with Mo, it was pretty much decided that we were both done. I was the initiator, but he was done with me after I left. He would have been willing to keep trying, but I was positive it just couldn't happen. I stayed gone.
I feel as thought every aspect of my life that had become so familiar to me has been completely upturned. Roller Derby, which used to be a place of solace, had become a place full of drama, disappointment, and heartache. (Again!). My business, which had all my hopes and dreams firmly invested into it, was not panning out the way I had hoped in the slightest. I finally walked out on the horrible job I was at and started a new one, which had it's own set of stressors involved. And now my relationship of 7 years was ending for good.
Over the years I've dealt with my fair share of tribulations. A lifelong battle with depression and self mutilation, starting at 15, has left me with physical and emotional scars I'll probably have forever. I got married right after high school, and divorced less than two years later. I've lived in my car. I've attempted suicide. I've dated men who treated me horribly, who used me to fulfill needs and spaces they were lacking, then dumped me when I was no longer of any use to them, or I became to attached. I married Mo because I was in love with him, I didn't care that I barely knew him. But this is quickly becoming the most challenging life lesson I have ever encountered, and I constantly am asking myself how the fuck I'm going to get through it.
So now, here I am. I am renting a room from some dear friends who were kind enough to open up their home to me. It's become my sanctuary, the place I can walk into and breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I'm home. It's where I know I'm welcome to share my thoughts and feelings openly, without judgement, and I know I will get the support and love I deserve. This is a rejuvenated feeling for me, one I haven't experienced in a good long while. I can close my eyes, and breathe deeply, knowing that there is a wonderful, fulfilling, happy, and exciting life waiting for me.
And I can't wait to get there.
I'm not going back.
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