On being a Mommy Martyr

Being as involved in the natural birth/parenting world as I am, I am constantly seeing great articles about giving birth at home, cooking organic food for your family, not vaccinating, and homeschooling. What I don't see however, are enough articles and posts about the self-sacrificing rut I like to call "Mommy Martyrdom".

Many moms, and especially first time moms, throw themselves into the worlds of their children with enough force to knock of their pantyhose. Myself included. When my son was born, I became a stay at home mom. I quit my job, and filled my days with OMSI, playdates, the Zoo, the Children's Museum, parks, strolls, activities, you name it, I did it. My kid was my whole world. He became my identity. I was no longer "Cierra", I was "Rowan's Mom". Whenever I left the house, I had the giant diaper bag full of snacks and other assorted items I would need throughout the day to make sure my kid was content. I didn't even have my own purse anymore. I spent more time getting him and all his crap ready than I did on myself. I became "that mom". You know the one I'm talking about. Don't even pretend you don't. The mom in the grocery store wearing gross jeans, an over sized sweatshirt, hair up in a ratty ponytail, no makeup, and glasses. Rowan was already a pretty great kid in public so I never had to worry about looking out of control, but I definitely looked like I had given up. I did everything around the house as well. I spent hours making my own baby food, I kept the house as clean as I could, I tried to find wholesome and educational things to do with Rowan. If I got sick, I would simply buck up and plow through it. It would take me three times as long to get better, but I didn't have the luxury of calling in sick and taking a whole day to rest and heal.

And little by little, I lost myself more.

The person I was before I was a mom became a shadow. I rode motorcycles  I belly danced, I spent time with my single, non-parent friends. I took classes, went on hikes, painted. I did STUFF. I did lots of STUFF. All of that got put in the closet the day Rowan was born. I rarely did anything for myself. Everything I did was for my family. If I did spend time away, I spent most of that time checking my phone, making sure everything was already. I was wracked with guilt for being away from home. I felt like I was abandoning my family by going to a birthday party or having a drink with a friend.

I think I finally "woke up" around 2 years after I gave birth. I finally did something for myself and joined a roller derby league. Slowly but surely, I started gaining my identity back. I started taking extra time to put on makeup again. (and fuck you to anyone who wants to give me shit about that. It makes me feel GOOD.) I tossed out my ratty clothes and started buying cute, new clothes. I would go to events and try to ignore that nasty feeling that I should be at home, and when I actually got home, it turned out my family functioned just fine without me.

I will admit, I delved into it a little too much at first. I spent too much time away from home, and trying to find a balance between my social life and my home life was really hard. Especially considering my derby league wasn't exactly the most supportive environment to those who have kids. My requirements for getting drafted to a team were strict, and made it really hard to fulfill while still making my family a priority. I eventually got the handle of it, though, partially due to leaving that league and helping start a new one, one that caters more to families and busy lives and still makes it possible to skate. I learned how to say "no" and make my family a priority, but also stay involved and help the league.

My whole point to this blog post is: Do not sacrifice your identity to become a mother. You can be a GREAT mom (or dad!) while still maintaining your sense of self. Your kid is NOT you. You are you. You have wants, needs, interests, passions, and talents. Utilize all of them. In fact, your child will grow up watching a parent who is independent  self sufficient, and does what they need to do to be happy. And they will emulate that. Make your facebook picture an actual picture of you, instead of a picture of your kid. Post shit about your day or what you are doing, not what your kid is doing. Stop sacrificing your health and happiness for your kids' happiness because guess what? They're going to be happy anyway! Stop worrying about looking like a mom, and be yourself again. I'm covered in tattoos, I have crazy hair sometimes (I even had a mohawk for awhile) and I have gauged ears. I wear makeup every day, even if I don't leave the house. I'm goofy, I dance with my kid in public, and I laugh at people who choose to scowl at me for not being a "normal" mom. I play roller derby, I've been an extra on a tv show, I take photography classes, I'm even considering trying Krav Maga and Aerial Acrobatics.

And I love it. I love my life, I love my happy, healthy, unique son. He's goofy and silly with me.  It's much more fun being this way than before, when I was so stressed out about being the perfect mom. I can never be the perfect mom, I will fuck up from time to time. I will make mistakes. Even today I caught myself berating myself because Rowan has a cavity and I don't brush and floss his teeth twice a day. Whatever! I try the best I can! Those teeth are going to fall out anyway and when he's old enough, he'll be brushing his own damn teeth!

Get your fucking identity back, it's the best thing you can do for your kid, I promise.